7 Things you mustn’t do when with your girlfriend
An intuitive approach to decoding what women want. Finally.
A chilled Sunday evening means laying back on a bean bag, sipping some beer and watching a football match while you burp and fart your way out for 90 minutes (plus the Extra time because otherwise, you’d have to get up 2 minutes before the time you are supposed to get up). After hours of efforts and determination that goes into a demanding job like ‘getting up’, you succeed. *insert applause*
You make your way to the bathroom, crotch-scratching through a sea of clothes and chips and empty beer bottles.
Blissful, a man’s life, isn’t it?
And this is just the usual habitat men are found in. This is the benchmark of normalcy. This is the epitome of hygiene. Who puts clothes in a wardrobe? That’s so stupid!
But things change when this spiteful evil comes in, changing things around, making you feel you don’t belong to where you actually live and the worst of all THE CLOTHES ARE IN THE CLOSET!!
That, my friend, are the changes you get to encounter when your girl comes by; transforming the pigsty into something that bears human residential standards.
There is a certain, unspecified code of conduct that you are entitled to, the moment you put a ring on it. This code isn’t authorised, written or documented in any official way. This isn’t what is taught to us in school (which we argue is more productive than learning the formula for the volume of a cone). We were unprepared, caught-off-guard, and outright bamboozled when we came across it. But just like the Great Dory once said, “Just keep swimmin’,” we sail tough seas, trying to decipher this code, till we’re nothing but shrunken marrow and dried up bones.
The invisible code of conduct
(Documented officially in favour of Oppressed men)
- When she asks you “Am I looking fat?”, always comply. Simple reason being she won’t ask the second time. Psst, you won’t be alive that long. Just saying.
There is no rocket science to this one. You are her cheap version of the Magic Mirror and she doesn’t do the things she does for you to be addressed fat. C’mon, you can’t be that thick. Oh btw, when she tells you, “Temme honestly,” DO NOT fall for it. It’s a trap. Major enough to have caused divorces. Really.
- You HAVE to carry bags when at shopping. Because, millions of years of evolution that bequeathed men with non-summable strength is to carry bags, right? Like what else could be for? Also, you cannot, just cannot and you shouldn’t — if you want to hold onto dear life a little longer — say these words: “Why do you have to pick stuff up that you’re barely gonna use.”
This would simply start a series of consoling looks and texts which read out, “Larry was a good man.” Weren’t you, Larry? Shouldn’t have done that.
- Ha! Table manners are for sissies!
Just so you know, women are born with table manners. They are simply born with it. Their DNA structure comprises of Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine and Table Manners. So never even try to argue out of that hooligan belief you held all these years. This would rule out awkward burping competitions at the table, dropping food off the plate and picking it with your hands, dropping it in your gaping mouth like the T-rex was eaten in Jurassic World. Odious oughta leave the moment you tie that serviette.
- Never be the pirate looking out for booty
In no universe of dating has it ever been seen that booty-hunting was acceptable. Here is trap number 2 for you: as long as you are mine, I don’t care what or whom you see. THEY CARE! AND THIS IS A GODDAMNED TEST. Really, how did you even make it through High School. If in algebraic terms, “I love you,” is equation 1 and “I don’t care if you booty-stare,” is equation 2, then
Equation 1 + Equation 2 = outright lies designed to spell D-O-O-M.
- Never believe when she says, “It’s okay if you go out with Dan for a couple-a beers.”
She knows Dan is Daniella and beers aren’t the only thing you gonna have that night. Your girlfriend, wife, friend, best-friend, knows what you are upto. It’s like she has her drones setup to follow every move you make. For all you know, this is what would be happening while you share more than just a giggle with Dan
- Never forget anniversaries
This is the most crucial aspect of sustaining a healthy relationship and many men (like you, of course) overlook this. You need to remember to remember dates. That is the first step. Mark your calendars, add notes to your phone notes, set up reminders on Google Calendar, whatever the mean, the outcome is what matters. Yeah, we also understand that the only date that matters to you is when is the next Manchester Derby or El Classico happening, or when it Farcry 5 releasing or when is OnePlus launching its new handset btw, when is it really launching?
But in the grander scheme of events, the day you guys met, laughed, giggled, held hands and hugged are moments that matter to a lady and not a skunk like you. Call up Messi next time you need help with the groceries, if football dates matter to ya!
- Hygiene is important
So all this while you have been living the life of a swine in the body of a human and we wonder how is it that you survived so long with Swine flu and all that in the air. But that kept aside, you need to understand the value of a clean home because you can’t hold a princess in a pigsty for god’s sake! (trust me fellas, I was paid to say that). And daresay you do argue with your OCDed better half about the fuss she creates bearing hygiene in mind then Larry, you’re dead meat. It was nice knowing you. Really.